Getting nervous

I have been really excited about going back to school, but this morning, faced with less than 10 days til "go-time" for my boys and me, I have started to feel anxious about the whole thing.  I know, realistically, that I will be fine.  My house will not ALWAYS look like utter disaster has struck, that my family will get fed, and I will find a way to get all my typical "mom duties" done, but today has left me feeling really anxious.  I am making lists of things that need to be done in order to get ready for school, both for the boys and for me, and I am trying to organize my time so that I can get these things accomplished. 

Somehow, stuff will get done and life with Mom back in school will be our new normal, but in the meantime, I will find scrubbing the bathroom and ironing therapeutic because that's my current normal. 

So why did I decide to return to school.....

I've been a stay-at-home mom (or SAHM) for 10 years.  My oldest child turned 10 this year and it really hit me in a weird way.  I initially decided to stay home because it kind of made sense at the time---I wasn't really going to be bringing home a lot of money after paying out the costs of daycare, commuting costs (I was a pharmacy technician trainer at the time and using my own vehicle for travel), food costs, dry-cleaning costs, etc.  My late husband was also someone who felt that his job came first and mine came second.  He wouldn't have been available to do daycare pick-ups, etc., so it seemed like a good idea at the time. 

It wasn't great.

We never had enough money and I felt kind of isolated.  I made it work the best I could. 

Then my late husband died.  And I had two kids, not just one.  Still I made it work.

In 2005, I met a wonderful new man and we were married in 2008.  I was still home.  It was what I knew.  I made it work, even though I had days where I loved it and some where I hated it.  My job credentials were out of date at this point, so I knew I was going to need to need to go back to school if I wanted to find a decent job.  In 2008, with my husband's encouragement, I decided that medical assisting was a decent option.  After all, my previous job has been in health care, it was what I knew and I liked it....kind of.  I took a few classes at a local community college and medical assisting seemed like a good option, but I wasn't ready to formally apply to the program. 

When I looked into applying to the program last fall, I missed a deadline to attend a meeting that was required prior to the application process.  I had already attended one of these meetings in 2008 to get more information and needed to go again, but I forgot I needed to do it again.  Because of this, I looked into another more condensed program at a local state college.  It was going to kill this summer for me, but I was prepared to do it.  It was going to start in April.  When I went to register in March, the earliest they were going to accept registrations, I found out that the program wasn't going to run.  It was going to start in September.  At this point, I felt defeated.  I was mentally prepared and didn't want to wait.  <insert a pouty face here> 

That's when my bright idea to return to college for my bachelor's degree was born.  Ultimately, I wanted my bachelor's degree.  It annoys me that I never finished.  I'm not a complete idiot--I should have a degree.  My insecurities got the best of me and I felt inferior without it. 

I want my degree in communications. 

So began my quest to apply, gather transcripts, meet with admissions counselors, pay deposits, attend <gulp> transfer student orientation......

I'm ready. I've registered for four classes.  I have some textbooks, some notebooks, a cute messenger bag to carry these items and my laptop, I have a parking permit. 

There's still some work on the home front to be done.  We need to get some stuff organized so that I don't completely lose my mind.  I probably will anyway.  But in the meantime, there's meal-planning to be done and systems to set into place, just like there would be if I were returning to the workforce.  After all, this is my job now.  I might not be getting paid, but eventually this will all pay off for my family!

This is what I'm up against....

This was featured on Boston.com this week.

What's older than the freshman class?

I'm older, but I'm wiser.

I'll just keep telling myself that. 

I have no idea what I am doing!

So I've started a blog, as have millions of other people. I don't expect to have millions of followers. Hell, right now I don't really want any.   I decided to do this so I can journal the crazy adventure I'm beginning in 15 days--I'm going back to school full-time.  College.  Full-time.  With classmates who were BABIES when I graduated high school.  I must be nuts.  I REALLY must be nuts because I can't wait.  Is it going to be easy?  Nope, I don't think so.  But I'm excited.  I hope to post at least once a week, with more posts likely in the next few weeks while I can freshly recall WHY I decided to do this. 

Join me on my adventure......